Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I touched a dick in church today
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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