i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
