respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
