I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
