Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
