The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
