I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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