after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize