Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
