I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
