I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
