I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
