I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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