I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
