so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
