Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
