My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
