Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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