As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
