So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
