I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
