so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Randomize
