Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
