just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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