Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize