Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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