Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
