i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
