Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
