Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
