i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
