Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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