This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
