Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
