I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
