I accidentally burped into my bong.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You took a bar mat shot.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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