I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
