You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just gift wrapped bread.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize