At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
