this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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