My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
