I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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