How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize