The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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