She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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