is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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