You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
