You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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