she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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