your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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