the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
