did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
