Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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