Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
