I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
