hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
