he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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