dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
