i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
