Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
