So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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