Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
