Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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