Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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