if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
