i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
