I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
